The Gross Things Nobody Tells You Before You Have Your First Baby

When you’re pregnant with your first baby, you get lots of advice. More than you want and more than you can process. Other moms tell you all the things. From which diapers are the best to how they got their little one to sleep through the night. But we tend to skip all the messy parts, as to not freak out a first-time mom. So, here’s the low down everyone is scared to tell ya.

  • Along with numbing your lady parts, an epidural also prevents you from controlling your farts. Which can be real fun when you have a room full of family hovering over your bed. Just blame it on your husband. It’s all his fault anyway.

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  • Those lady parts swell up the size of…something. Something really big that you don’t want between your legs and make it difficult (impossible) to pee. I’m not sure what I expected after birthing a seven pound human. I guess everyone just assumes you’ll know your hoo-ha will be wrong-side-out for a few days (or like two weeks if you get real lucky like me). I, however, did not. Tip: lightly wet then freeze maxi pads (the real thick ones…not those skinny girl panty liners. Your vagina will swallow those whole). Place them inside those super sexy mesh panties the hospital provides. Thank me later.

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  • You may not instantly bond with your baby and that’s okay. I expected to be overwhelmed with emotion and crying tears of happiness and feel some sort of life-changing moment like you see on TV when they handed me my first-born. I did not (sorry, Bella). I was mostly just exhausted. Completely exhausted and hungry. The second time around, things were different. My labor was much easier and I got to experience all those happy feels after giving birth. So if you don’t feel that rush of Momminess when the doctor hands you your slimy baby, don’t feel guilty. It will come. It may take time…for me it did…like a few weeks…and that’s okay.
  • Your husband may be ready to check out of that hospital well before you are ready. I could barely walk or sit when I was discharged. They kept me the full 48 hours and I was still on that struggle bus and had no clue how I would take care of a newborn once we were home when I could barely sit and stand. All those grandmas and aunts who offer to come help–take it, take it, take iiiiit. They’re not trying to control you or take over your new baby or bond with them in place of Mommy. Chances are in a couple of weeks they won’t be available to help so use up all the volunteers while you can.

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  • Nobody is going to feel like cooking and doing dishes. Stock up on the paper plates, freeze meals, and invest in several gift cards to restaurants while you’re pregnant to use during those first couple of weeks after giving birth. Side note: gift cards to restaurants is a great baby shower gift! Bonus if the restaurant delivers.
  • When your milk comes in it’ll feel like you have the flu and want to die. I ran fever and had body aches. #thanksmothernature Image result for watermelon boobs
  • If you’re getting an epidural, do it sooner rather than later. If you’re trying to be all G.I. Jane in delivery, more power to you. But for the other moms, don’t wait until you’re dilated to 5 or 6. Reasons: 1. You’re most likely going to have to wait after you request it. Minimum of 20-30 minutes. 2. Those early contractions aren’t unbearable but they can escalate quickly. It’s much easier to sit still on that bed while they insert a needle into your spine when you’re having period-like cramps opposed to feeling like your uterus is being eaten be a crocodile. 3. You have a room full of family who is much more enjoyable when you’re medicated during labor.

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