The Day I Decided to Run

I don’t run. I do believe it’s been said somewhere {by me} that I’ll never understand how runners’ brains are wired…and something about them liking Nickleback.

My cardio is a slow one mile jog before lifting weights. Throw in a few jump squats and then complain about my love handles.

I was fine with that.

Then my best friend went and had a terrible idea. A half marathon. That’s 13.1 miles for those of you counting {me}. I can count the number of times I’ve ran ONE mile, without stopping to die, on one hand. More like two fingers, if we’re really being honest here.

So after refusing to join her on this train wreck of an idea, I whined a little while {even though I knew I’d give in because I KNOW how badly I need to step it up right now} then she sent me the training schedule.

Day 1: “3 m run” it said.

Me: Dude, three minutes? I totally got this. I’m not even going to have to wake up early for this.Β Marathon, shmarathon.

Kristi: Three miles.

Insert face palm.

So let me get this straight. I’m supposed to run three miles on Day 1 even though yesterday I stopped at .75 miles because I was bored and Pandora was playing crap music? This should end well.

Well, today was Day 1, and I did it. I woke up at 4:50 like I always do and ran 3 miles in just under **DRUM ROLL PLEASE** 39 minutes. Thirty. Nine. Minutes. Guys, this can’t be normal but honestly I don’t even care because I finished and I racked up a crap ton of Fitbit steps before most people even rolled out of bed. And I can’t be certain, but I’m pretty sure I already see an ab.

But lets rewind a minute to those excruciating thirty nine minutes of my life. I had so many thoughts while running. In no particular order, here ya go:

  • This treadmill is way faster than the one in the gym. This 5 mph feels like 6.2 mph so I’m definitely doing even better than the numbers show. Definitely. I’m like the Michael Phelps of running right now.
  • I really need to poop.
  • If I get a drink of water that’s going to add to my time. How do people get drinks while running? Screw it, just keep running.
  • Man, I’m really thirsty and I gotta poop.
  • When we run this actual half marathon in St. Louis, we’ve gotta make a 30th birthday celebration of it. This is Bucket List worthy.
  • OMG. I’ve only gone half a mile.
  • They don’t make rap music like they used to.
  • Where do people put all their things when they run a marathon? Like their phones, and water the 45 Red Bulls I’m gonna need to sustain this mess. So confused. I need a fanny pack.
  • So, like, say I needed to poop while I was running this half marathon, what am I supposed to do?
  • Will they have snacks along the way? Because those cupcake runs look like fun. Minus the run. Just the cupcakes.
  • We’re for sure getting matching t-shirts. Something about us being old and thirty and really slow.
  • I don’t care if I’m fast, I just don’t wanna be last. Like, somewhere in the middle is good. I can rock mediocre like nobody’s business.
  • This VSX sports bra ain’t no joke.
  • I wonder if I’m losing weight, like right this minute?
  • Yep, still gotta poop.
  • Running is the key to constipation. I bet when marathons are finished everyone is just pooping all over the city. Can you imagine the line to the women’s restroom? Ugh.
  • I wonder if Kristi is running right now. She’s the over-achiever to my mediocrity so she prolly just went ahead and ran the whole thirteen miles.
  • Is mediocrity a word…
  • Oh heavenly days, I’ve got like .25 miles left so I’m gonna go really really really fast.
  • Dear Lord, I think I have a fever.
  • I’m going to throw up.
  • No, really I might throw up.
  • Duuuuuuuun. Give me water.

Needless to say I have many questions so PLEASE leave all advice in the comments. I’m putting this new goal out there in black and white to hold myself accountable. And Kristi because she’s way more hardcore than I’ll ever be. I give no sh*ts about giving up but since she already spent $100 on new cold weather gear I feel it’s my moral obligation to not leave her hanging. Plus, this is gonna be one rad Dirty Thirty celebration.




7 thoughts on “The Day I Decided to Run

  1. Love this! You definitely should get a flipbelt! They are amazing. Holds your phone, keys, credit card….whatever you might need. It doesn’t move at all. And there will be lots of places to poop along the way πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚


  2. This.Is.Awesome!!! I laughed the whole entire time..I love how you just put it out there, you know, the real stuff πŸ™‚ I have ran in a cupcake 5k and it was cool, they gave you bonus time when you stopped to eat a cupcake. A 5k is as far as I’ve gone…good luck to you!!! You got this πŸ™‚


  3. Spend the money on good, well fitting shoes! They will make a world of difference. Missouri Running Co. is the best. I know you can do it!!


  4. Halfs were my favorite distance! They are totally do-able, fun and you feel like a million bucks afterwards. I used to take an Imodium before a long run, but there are portapotties along the way (gross). The race itself is more exciting than the training, especially if it is a big race. The more people there are the more time it is going to take for the crowd to thin out, therefore it makes the race go by faster in your head (because you are looking and judging people that are in front of you/that pass you). Enjoy the crowds! Drink the beer they offer you! Your first half is going to set your best PR, so have fun with it!
    Training sucks. Get a good pair of sneakers (or two to rotate), good socks (I like wool it wicks moisture), good pair of shorts that reduce chafing or lots of Vasoline for your thighs. Get outside and train as much as you possibly can for the road is different than the treadmill. If you need some distances of local runs, I know Malden routes!
    If you are stuck running on the tread, raise the elevation to at least 1% to mimic the resistance the road is going to give you. Training for marathons on the tread made me addicted to Scandal on Netflix.


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