That Fat Life

You know those super fat things you do and you’re just like WHYYYYYY did I just do that?? I’ve done that a lot. I have countless times I’ve finished off a pizza or bag of donuts in record time. Typical, right? When I worked in an office, I had a co-worker who brought in chips and snacks every morning. She eventually upgraded her bag of chips from vending machine size to I’m throwing a party for 500 of my closest friends size because I wouldn’t stay out of her food. People label their sandwich in the break room fridge because of people like me. Well jokes on you, Debbie, because I just changed my name. Here’s a short list of a few Fat Moments in my life.

  1. While buying groceries, a tub of chocolate chip cookie dough jumped right into my cart. I had intentions of baking up the container and sending some to my daughter’s preschool and with my husband to nursing school. If he’s in school with 700 cute nursing students all day long, I’ll send cookies so they like me. I’m Betty Crocker over here, ladies, so back off. Hashtag: wife me. Guess what I actually did. Bake them and eat half the batch? Nope, even better. I opened the container and scooped out some cookie dough a few times a day. Every day. Until every last bite of cookie dough was gone. Like a boss. 700 cute nursing students, you win this one.

    The whole dang thang.
  2. I pulled into the gym parking lot one evening. All dressed for success and my leg workout pulled up on my phone. I sat in my Jeep for a few minutes listening to “Get Low” on Pandora. I gotta get mentally prepared for squats. I sent a snap to my story so everyone knew I was working out, duh. Look guys! It’s the gym at 5:30 in the afternoon! Cute isn’t it??? Then I left, DROVE TO ANOTHER TOWN, and bought chili cheese fries from Sonic. Like a boss.

    No regrets.
  3. Speaking of the gym, I also walked out mid-workout one time to eat the Chinese buffet next door. Like a boss. 
  4. One time after eating a lot. I mean A.LOT. Fast food, chips and dip, chocolate, box of Wheat Thins and no telling what else, I went to bed. I laid there for a little while then had a mini panic attack. Oh em gee, all this food. I’m going to be like twelve pounds heavier in the morning. I can’t throw it up. I mean…not because I’m above doing that, I just physically can’t make myself throw up. I’ve had a bad experience with Ex-Lax so that won’t work. If I do sit-ups in the floor I’m liable to just crap a cheesy gordita crunch right out on my carpet. So that won’t work and doesn’t really burn many calories anyway. So I did what every rational woman does. I crawled out of my bed at 10 p.m. and went for an hour long run all while trying to not die from mass murderers lurking behind the trees. Like a boss. *Side Note* I wasn’t married…there’s no way Waylon would let me do that now. He’d just try to convince me how many calories I could burn another way. running

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